midnight ramblings
Its times like this that my brain is so full of thoughts and I just cant seem to turn them off and fall asleep.
Theres a million things to worry and care about — what will I do after college, will I find a well sustaining job, will me and my girlfriend be able to find a place to live together, will we be able to save up
Its the beggining of my 3rd day of the semester break, out of the 3 weeks we have all together. The burnout I had while in college is so immense, that for the most part I find that its hard to even open my mouth to speak, let alone socialize.
I've been letting myself stay home and not socializing. I think i've been benefiting from this, as I'm finally slowly starting to feel better.
I can't stop thinking about the new revelations I finally connected the dots about and realized. The way, although my home life is quite privileged, yes, I live with my parents — I feel as if I'm respected less and expected more. Everyone is always home, and I dont get too much privacy and its starting to be really annoying with my girlfriend is over. I realized these feelings go quite deep, as its most likely the cause for how I've been feeling so 'unreal' for the past decade.
I can only live inside my room, so I constantly feel trapped and suffocated. I son't feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen, so all my meals are quick and lousy.
It feels terrible to say, again, since I'm so privileged essentially, but I really can't wait to move out.
I really want this freedom — to exist, to be able to feel like I'm actually living at home. To keep my door open, even to do laundry..
I'm still worried. But theres hope. And I won't be doing it alone. I know my parents would most likely help as well. I'm hoping they would be somewhat supportive.
We're planning to move in around a year and a half from now, hopefully less.
I'm trying to find a way to save up money, or actually, to have some income in the first place. I'ts definitely a work in progress...
I'm worried. Theres so many hings I want to accomplish in such little time, I'm truly overwhelmed. Maybe at the end of the day, I'm the root cause of my problems....
I'll end this on a positive note. I think slowly things are getting better. I'm learning to look at things from a bigger picture, and when im startting to soeak negatively in my head, theres this new voice there that is doubting my own negativity and battling them. Huh.
He're hoping life will treat us all well, Goodnight.